Cuckle Time

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone.

I said, “The whole time.”

So what’s the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?


Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?


If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?


What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travelagent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Nice!